The Pack Rat #7: Read NOW or Have Cursed October
Talkin' Autographs, Subway, and early Daughtry
Welcome to the seventh issue of The Pack Rat, the monthly newsletter where I open a pack of baseball cards.
PACK: 2024 Topps Chrome Baseball
Joey Votto - First Baseman, Toronto Blue Jays
I can't decide if this card is cool or cruel. Joey Votto grew up in a suburb of Toronto, so on the one hand, it's got to be awesome for him to see himself wearing his hometown team’s uniform. On the other hand, he retired after 31 games in the minors and never actually played with the big league ball club during the regular season. The six-time All-Star bowed out on his terms, but still, I'm reminded of when a seafood joint made me buy the uniform from them so I could work one "trial" shift and then never hear from them again. This despite my many calls and an unannounced pop-in that was so awkward, I sat in the pier parking lot staring at the empty Great South Bay for over 20 minutes before turning my car's engine on. I can't say that I grew up rooting for the restaurant, like Votto and the Jays, but I did enjoy their cheesy rolls, so the hurt was still there.
Mike Trout - Outfielder, Los Angeles Angels
Mike Trout catches a lot of crap for being boring, but I think his lack of personality serves him well. I’m sure he’s a hoot at home or an Eagles game, but as far as the public is concerned, he’s about as interesting as a turkey sandwich. This is probably why Subway turned to him to sub in for the disgraced diet hero Jared Fogle after dropping the well-paid pedo as their spokesperson in 2015. Those were big jeans to fill, but the Angels outfielder was up to the challenge—at least for one ad in 2015. Obviously, that pales in comparison to Fogle’s 15-year run, but as always with Mike Trout, you have to appreciate the flashes of brilliance.
If I sound jealous of the three-time MVP, that’s because I am. But not for baseball reasons. When I was in high school, I loved Subway so much that I would sprint half a mile to the nearest location every day for lunch. The $5 footlongs helped my lunch money go a long way, but the smell of the freshly baked “bread” didn’t do me any favors in my first class after lunch. Instead of learning how to be civil, or whatever it is they teach you in civics, I was educated on how much people hate the smell of Subway’s bread. Each period, even when we had a test, one of my classmates would performatively sniff the air and say, “Ew, who went to Subway?” It wasn’t just one person either. They took turns trashing the warm, chemical odor. While I didn’t defend Subway’s honor or even admit to being the one who went there for lunch, I believe my willingness to suffer for their sandwiches—this is only the surface, but that’s for a later story—entitles me to some sort of an endorsement deal.
Yu Darvish - Pitcher, San Diego Padres
Already famous for pitching to a catcher, I think Yu Darvish should also get some attention for throwing it back to 2009 with his chinstrap beard. I haven’t seen one of those since I was in college, staring into the dorm mirror, wondering what I could possibly do to make myself have a chin. Darvish looks like he could cut glass with his jawline, so I’m guessing he’s just a big fan of early Daughtry.
Wilyer Abreu - Outfielder, Boston Red Sox
I’ll never understand why people chase autographs. I get that having his signature on it makes this Wilyer Abreu rookie card more valuable (a whopping $30 if similar listings on eBay are to be believed), but why? I wasn’t there when Wilyer Abreu signed it, so it’s not like I got to meet him and set up a potential mansion party-filled friendship by making a few well-timed quips about the nature of pens. It’s not even like Abreu only signed a couple. There are probably thousands of cards with his John Hancock on them. I shouldn’t even bring Hancock into this since, as far as I know, he only signed one Declaration of Independence. Of course, it’s not Wilyer Abreu’s fault. He’d be a fool to turn down easy money. It’s everyone else’s fault for being stupid enough to believe that a card with an extra scribble is worth something. Now, who wants to buy it from me?
—Alex Watt