Welcome to the fifth issue of The Pack Rat, the monthly newsletter where I open a pack of baseball cards.
PACK: 2024 Topps Baseball Series 2
Andre Lipcius - Second Baseman - Detroit Tigers
Since turning pro in 2019, Andre Lipcius has laid down just one sacrifice bunt. I had to look that up on Fangraphs because even the backs of baseball cards have deemed this stat too boring to care about. I wish I could say I was surprised.
For years, small-ball lovers like myself have lamented the rise of the long ball. When you watch a game now, everyone is swinging for the fences. Why not? That's what brings in the big bucks, not to mention strikeouts. Now those are boring!
Well, I have a solution: the Home Run Hole. I'm still working out the details as I wait to hear back from Commissioner Manfred, but the Home Run Hole is essentially a hole by the pitcher's mound that batters can try and bunt the ball into for a home run. I recommend that the hole be gopher-sized, but part of the fun will be allowing the home team to choose how wide or deep to dig—sort of like how there's no standard distance from home plate to the fences in the outfield.
Obviously, having an open hole on the field presents certain dangers, but so does taking steroids. And we all enjoyed the historic McGwire vs. Sosa home run chase, didn't we?
Tanner Houck - Pitcher, Boston Red Sox
Houck is pretty pale for a guy named Tanner. I'm sorry if this sounds overly critical of the righthander, but I grew up on Long Island during peak "Growing Up Gotti." You won't get a Pasty Pass from me.
For the uncultured few who don't remember "Growing Up Gotti," the A&E reality show followed the life of famed local mobster John Gotti's daughter Victoria and her teenage sons Frank, Carmine Jr., and John. The girls at my school were obsessed with the deeply tanned young Gottis, who would headline under-18 club nights and cause stampedes at the mall.
Although the show was only on the air for two seasons, its influence far outlasted its run on cable TV. I think the young Gottis deserve credit for popularizing the gelled-up and electrocuted look made famous by DJ Pauly D on "Jersey Shore" five years later.
That's to say, bronzer was in, and the faker the bake, the better. I never went to a tanning salon, but I did live down the block from one. Not sliding into a bed with SunMasters bulbs was a rare show of sound judgment. Instead, I hid a stark white outline of a T-shirt beneath my Robinson Cano "shirsey."
Kyle Farmer - Third Baseman, Minnesota Twins
While Kyle Farmer's name makes me think about farmer's tans, I will spare you having to think more about my ivory torso. Instead, I'll meditate on the "Kyle" memes of the late 2010s/early 2020s. If you're not familiar with them, perhaps because your name is Kyle and you were too busy drinking Monster Energy and punching drywall to be online back then, they were essentially about young, white male aggression with a whiff of Axe body spray.
Whether or not they're named Kyle or drink Monster Energy, I think everyone who fits the rest of the description has had a "Kyle" moment. Of course, the Axe body spray is a given. Come on, we all used it. I know I did, though I now use a certified organic, lightly scented citrus deodorant. Even so, I still mutter "double pits to chesty" to myself as I apply it.
I'd say I was probably at my most "Kyle" the time I kicked a divot in a basement wall out of frustration with some shady middle-school poker game hijinks. I tried to cover up my wrongdoing by thumbtacking a poster of Wishbone, the Jack Russell terrier from TV, over the hole. It hung about two inches above the cement floor on an otherwise empty wall. Somehow, my parents found out.
Alex Cobb - Pitcher, San Francisco Giants
The trendy-again Caesar Salad celebrated its 100th birthday this summer, but I've never been a fan. Too simple, too bland. I'm not against romaine lettuce, but when I want a salad, croutons and parmesan shavings aren't going to cut it. I need a mound of ostensibly healthy munchies piled high enough for Alex Cobb to pitch from it—and the more random, the better.
A menace at the salad bar, I will also settle for a Cobb salad when the luncheon calls for less customization. Thankfully, Big Bob the Salad Slob (Robert Howard Cobb, to most—and no relation to Alex) already went Cobb-lin mode with it at his Hollywood Brown Derby restaurant roughly 87 years ago. This souped-up salad features romaine, chicken, bacon, hard-boiled eggs, tomatoes, avocados, chives, and blue cheese topped with red wine vinaigrette.
My favorite time to order a Cobb salad is when I'm out to eat with coworkers because most people feel the need to compliment my square meal after they order something more indulgent like lobster mac and cheese or a burger. As noble as my pursuit may seem, I must admit that I have factored in that it would be incredibly unprofessional of them not to share their fries with me.
Estevan Florial - Outfielder, Cleveland Guardians
I really wanted Estevan Florial to be a part of the Yankees' future, but even though they traded him away after the 2023 season, I still wish him the best. I guess I've always appreciated the intrigue around him. When he signed with New York in 2015, the Yankees listed him as being from Port Au Prince, Haiti. This would've made him the first Haitian-born player to make the Big Leagues. However, history would have to wait because, as he clarified in an interview years later, he was born in the Dominican Republic.
If you still don't think Estevan Florial is a man of mystery, consider that he initially signed with the Yankees under the name Haniel D'oleo in 2014. When his real name was revealed, the contract was voided. The Bronx Bombers didn't hold it against him—and neither do I. Thanks to social media, we know too much about young players these days.
I might have to retire from watching sports when "Baby Gronk" or "Big Justice" turns pro. I don't want to think about how they rizzed up Livvy Dunne or gave another lousy chunk of junk food Five Booms (turning the once-trusted Boom Meter into a laughing stock) while they're on the field. I became a fan to root for athletes, not brands. Though I do dream of working for ARod Corp someday.
Liam Hendriks - Pitcher, Boston Red Sox
Liam Hendriks is a three-time All-Star and one of 38 Major League ballplayers born in Australia. I've never traveled to the "Land Down Under," which is probably apparent now that I've called it that, but I respect it. After all, Australia is also the birthplace of one of the modern inventions I most utilize: Wi-Fi.
How tragic it is to imagine a world where Wi-Fi doesn't exist. I couldn't share my ideas with thousands of people by clicking a few buttons. There would be no newsletter, no Home Run Hole. I weep for the inhabitants of this hypothetical dystopia.
—Alex Watt